We provide this free health resource to visitors of the Community Room of SeniorSSuperStoreS in an effort to keep baby boomers, seniors and the elderly informed of matters that can affect their lifestyle. Besides, a little humor is good for our health!

Recently, I went to the moblie phone store, bought a 'phone-in-a-box' and rushed home at 80 miles per hour in case someone rang me before I had the battery charged. Well, you can't take chances can you?

Cup of coffee, comfortable seat, reading glasses, 30 foot power extension for the phone charger tucked (almost) under the carpet, and I was ready to enter the 21st century...

Then The Saga Began.

First thing I had to do was change my reading glasses for some cool sunshades. The psychedelic neon blue case was just a bit of an eye strainer, but hey - this will look great on the beach!

Then after my wife tripped over the rumpled carpet, she demanded I arrange for a carpet fitter to refit it. "No problem," said I - "I'll try out my new mobile". She smiled, shook her head, and left to do some 'urgent' shopping.

Inside the box were THREE instruction booklets.

"Man this phone can do ANYTHING" I shouted. Text messages, FM radio, road traffic reports, email, 1006 memorized numbers. Once you learn how to use 13 fingers at once, the combination of buttons can achieve just about anything an 8 year old could ever wish for. Now then....

How do I switch it on? The 3 manuals didn't say, and it didn't have an obvious 'On/Off' button. S'pose that's not cool these days, but that's progress. But, 5 minutes of trial and error and I'd guessed it. (My wife says it's one of those "guy things!", you know, figure it out yourself!)

As you would expect with such a cool piece of gear, the manuals didn't tell me which button to press to make a call either. That's because all 8 year olds already know. But you can't keep a good man down though, and 4 minutes later I'd guessed that too.

"Why won't it call out" I muttered.

"Why the **** won't it call out!!", I shouted.

This stoopid machine must be ****** faulty" I screamed.

That's when I learned how robust it was. It bounced off two walls without so much as a scratch!

I retrieved it 5 minutes later and looked despairingly into the box for help. "What's in this plastic bag" I wondered.

Hmmmm ... a battery! That also explains why the darn thing isn't charging.

Time out for a coffee break, (followed by a little something stronger).

I phoned the carpet fitter on my old fashioned land line - I have 6 to choose from around the house. Well, you have to be prepared don't you. I gave him my contact home phone number and he said "Do you have a mobile."

"Of course" I smirked, feeling thoroughly modern.

"Better give me the number, just in case"...

"Ermmmm"....And for some reason the phone slipped back onto the hook and cut me off.

10 minutes into manual 3, and I finally discovered I had to press 273 buttons all at the same time whilst standing on my head, and I would be given my new mobile number.

Eventually I went 'live' and was greeted by a female robot. I curled my toes and listened intently while she took me through a 'simple' 37 button sequence which explained just how brilliant my phone was. Then before I had a chance to grab a pen she read out my number. I managed to scribble down the last 3 digits before she thanked me and hung up....

Stoopid robot!

Anyway, the phone survived another flight across the room and bounced safely at my wife's feet. She ignored it and went to do some 'urgent' gardening...

The next day, my wife and I had to take a trip by car, and even though I'd bought the phone for 'emergency' use, I decided not to take it with us.

After all, how can I drive at 70 miles an hour, grip the steering wheel, flick through 3 manuals, punch in 354 buttons and grip the phone under my chin, all at the same time!

"The techies never thought of that" I said to my wife. She gave me that 'knowing' look, nodded, and said nothing. (Another guy thing?)

Techies? ... gimme a break!